Sometimes Pedophiles Are Related To You

It first happened in like 2003 , making me 9 years old at the time in the 3rd grade. I was very innocent, too innocent in fact. My mother was young & didn't have much good taste in men , three different kids with different fathers. My sister and brother had a occasional relationship & financial support from both their fathers but not me. All the time on the holidays I would get so sad seeing their dads pick them up , I at least wanted that. The first time I recall meeting my father since I was a baby was that night in 2003, he had just got out of jail. I was excited and he seemed excited as well but something about him was unsettling as we got reacquainted under the supervisor of my mother. I don't remember the rest of that night but I know him and my mother reclined to her bedroom and more than likely had sex. Around 4 or 5 the next morning , I awoke to my father sitting on the edge of my bed with his fingers inside of my underwear. He quickly got up and left out the room. I was so shocked and confused , I was so scared to go back to sleep & I had to be up for school in a few hours. 

I stayed up til about 7 a.m just to make sure he didn't come back and my sister was laying on the side of me by the wall. I needed to protect her too. At that moment I had no feelings toward my father. I already had none because I didn't know him and didn't like the first impression he left. He had creeped off in the night & stolen my mother's car. When she woke up , she had to call the police on him. I felt my inside screaming you need to tell her what happened. I was so scared of him and decided to keep it in. I had ISAT testing that day at school and I cried the whole day. Soon after I started to get a period and hid it from my mom and got beatings for messing up underwear all because I was scared that somehow the period was related to the incident with my father. A cpl years later ,After I grew a lil bit , I was about 12 & in the 5th grade , I had been visiting my father's side of the family but avoiding him when he did decide to show up and show his face. Nobody understood why. I would feel so awkward because my breast were coming in and my hips and thighs were too and I didn't want any other grown ass men finding me attractive. I would wear basketball shorts all the time. 

Dress in big tshirts and some how my dad would still get turned on enough to sneak into places I would be sleeping & molest me. It was the most humiliating thing ever to go through esp since everyone else seemed to adore my father and think he was a great handsome ladies men type of guy but they didn't see the demon I saw. He never threatened me , he actually never said anything to me during the acts only when family was around he be all phony with me. & I hated that shit ! He went in and out of jail for Major of my pubescent years for robberies and batteries but there were allegations of him molesting one of his ex-girlfriend at that time, daughter. But it was swept under the rug and never spoke of again. After not seeing or hearing about him for a year or two , I felt completely safe at my paternal family members house. But then being at my mother's home became unsafe for me. They allowed a convicted sex offender family member live with us. I don't know if they knew at the time he was convicted but family members knew he wasn't all the way put together. He would often stare at me in a daze and it would make me feel so nasty and awkward. I hated to be in the same room with him. He would make inappropriate comments about my appearance saying I was filling in well for 12. Also he was eyeing my sister who was 10 at the time. They trusted him to take us to school and he would always try to fit in with us and other kids who walked with us. Try to make us feel comfortable. Typical signs of a pedophile. But I never felt comfortable. His actions  were all too familiar and I knew the day would come were he would try me. 

One day , he had the opportunity and he prompted me for a hug and groped my body and ass. I stood and cried as he stepped back in a drunken daze. He reaked of liqour and later on I found out he was into leaf blunts and also heard the same thing about my father. I also failed my sister and I resented myself for a long time because I was determined to protect her from that shit and I didn't. My cousin had touched her too that night. 

Since this abuse my life has been a roller coaster I had a rough time finding myself during my teens , I ran the streets , rebelled against my mother , didn't trust men and resented every grown men who I knew and didn't know , got pregnant young asl at just 14 and had to hide my pregnancy and end it on my own without nobody knowing, was promiscuous to a degree and just overall didn't love myself. I attempted suicide a few times and at one point my mother didn't know what else to do with me and at 16 , she sent me to a mental institution. It was there I found salvation and finally told a counselor what I had been harboring for all those years. To my surprise, however, I didn't know that they would also tell my mother also . She was furious but more so hurt that I waited to tell her about it and she was ready to find my father and cousin and kill them both. Of course she didn't , but the institution had child services step in and ask me if Iwanted to conduct a investigation and go to trail. I declined. I hadn't seen neither man in years at this point . Both were fighting separate other child sexual abuse cases, with other girls ironically . I felt that they were going to feel the wrath somehow , & deseperately prayed they were in prison getting viscously beat or raped themselves. As of recent years , maybe when I was about 18 or 19 I wrote my dad Diandre Reed and finally got what I considered as closure to the fact that he hurt me and I would never have a father-daughter relationship with him. And he declined or said that he didn't know what I was talking about but I ignored it and didn't talk to him again. Last year in 2016, he called me unexpectedly ( one of his family members gave him my number) & tried to be all friendly and cool like we were friends. I eventually urged him to his point & he told me that he wanted to be close with his kids ( there's 6 of us; 1 boy) and that he was getting charged with child rape of a 14 y/o in Arkansas & he would be in prison for about 20 years or so. I wanted to jump for joy but I held my composure. I told him I'm sorry he had to learn this way but hopefully he found some type of God while he sat for that long. I told him I had no interest in keeping a relationship with him but he should try it with his other kids , sarcastically. I'm glad me & all the other girls have Justice and don't have to see this monster again. And when he gets out at 57, he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. 

To this day at 23 , I can say that the whole experience happens too often and too young before you know anything about yourself or other people , also I want to say that it's not the mother's fault that this happens but you mess up paying attention to this bad boy fine ass guy but don't realize that he's a frequent convict for a reason and doesn't need to be around kids or other people for that matter. I'm glad that it had to take me through some things to help me free some of the stress and pain it was causing me. As a 23rd old woman , I still feel young sometimes because I didn't get a chance to be young , but I am doing better and striving towards success and finishing school so I can one day find a healthy successful man and get married and have kids of my own. One of my things I'm going to push is trying my best to protect them from these predators because sometimes it's not the strangers it's the people who are blood related who have this pedophilia disease and should be trusted around children. Hope my story touched and inspired someone else to share their own.

No comments

Please be respectful and remain in a nonjudgemental state when commenting.

MariaRuiz. Theme images by merrymoonmary. Powered by Blogger.