It Went On For Years



The only solace I had from a shitty home life turned into a nightmare.

I had just started high school when it began. I often stayed with my aunt on weekends or during snow days. My older cousin was my hero. I had always looked up to him and loved him. He was in college at the time, studying to be a teacher.

It started out by him "wanting me to know how to defend myself from perverts". He would take off his clothes and tell me to grab him. At first, stupid, naive me, thought he was trying to help me learn how to control and hurt men who would attack me. But over time it changed.

He would wake me up at night and want me to come hang out. To him, that meant he would watch porn and make me touch him and tell him what a small penis he had. Again, I was young, I had no idea people could even be into that. But it made me uncomfortable. So I avoided the house as much as possible.

I told the school after he mentioned my little sister seeing him naked in passing. Detectives came in. I told them what was happening. They told me "he hasn't ejaculated, so there's nothing we can do. Just stay away from him." And left. Nothing ever happened to him. I told my parents. My dad whipped me and called me stupid and told me I was going to ruin my cousin's life. My mom already knew. She had told me not to tell anyone.

It went on for years. I would tell him to stop or that I wasn't comfortable. He would say okay, then within days start it all again. I had already told people. They said it didn't matter, that it wasn't wrong. I felt trapped and scared. So even when he started making me touch him until he ejaculated, I didn't tell anyone again.

He went on to graduate and teach special education at the same school I reported him to. My family still talks to him. My grandmother, who also knows what happened, once told me she thought there had been more to what I had told the detectives. But she never did anything to stop it. Never tried to help me. The last time I visited my hometown, my family invited him over to see me and meet my daughter. Thankfully he didn't come.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of those years. And even though I know it was wrong, I still have this lingering thought in the back of my mind, "did he really abuse me? Is that abuse? Or is it like the detectives and my family said- I was wrong?"

1 comment:

  1. Of all the horrible results from molestation I think straight teenage boys suffer the worst by far. Young girls also carry a heavy burden. Self blaming causes horrible mentally for the boys

    ReplyDelete

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