I still haven't told my wife about what happened to me.

I still haven't told my wife about what happened to me. The hard part was that he was my best friend at the time. I spent the night at his house and when I woke up in the morning he was rubbing against me. I was afraid to even move. After he finished, I got dressed and walked home. It was only two blocks but it felt like miles. It shattered my trust for many years. To this day, it makes me uncomfortable to hug anyone.

The saddest part has been that I feel uncertain when I hug my daughter. I fear someone will think terrible things about me. I've always worried about the reports that indicate that abusers were victims and it's always made me be hyper-vigilant. The fact that my family refers to me as "cold" has been heartbreaking. I love my wife and I love my daughter but I have this defense that makes it hard to feel comfortable. I am glad that I've used this fear to be very protective of my daughter and to teach her that no one should ever make her feel uncomfortable and to speak up when anything bad happens. 
She yells at guys that are rude to her and I'm extremely proud that she is not afraid to stand tall in the face of bullies and rude people. 

Thank you for letting me tell you all of this. I've honestly never mentioned it until I started to read some of the other stories, they break my heart and I realized that addressing this fear is the best way to overcome it. I hope that by telling you I can come to a peaceful place about it and move past my fear. I know I'd like to be able to tell family members that I love and trust them. They don't know that its what I want to tell them all the time.

I thought about it some more and I wanted to be clear: I'm not fearful that I would be inappropriate with my daughter, far from it, I'm fearful of how others view me. I know that's unusual but it's how others view me that I'm more concerned with. Public displays of affection have been difficult for me. And when combined with the breach of trust, I sometimes obsess over how someone else might view my actions. I think it may stem from the idea that I may have done something to encourage my friend to assault me. I know I'm not at fault but I guess that's the root of my distrust.

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