"We Don't Want to Judge"



#breakthesilence
When I was a child, all the kids in my neighborhood would go down to the house of two brothers to play. They had the best tree house and clubhouse in the neighborhood. For some reason, the brothers picked me to sexually assault. They would take me up into the tree house while the other kids were playing in the clubhouse, and the other brother would tell the younger brother what to do to me. I repressed these memories until I was raped twice as a teen, and then they came out in horrific nightmares. When I was 16, I went to an underground club in the middle of nowhere with my friends. My best friend and I were suppose to sing in the band we were part of, but we never made it onstage because we were both ruffied and raped. She went outside first to use the outhouse and never came back, and when I went to go look for her, the ruffie started to kick in and rendered me helpless. I found her, but the rapist then attacked me. I blacked out for most of it, and woke up to some guy chasing him off and carrying me back inside. I was covered in muddy water, had choked on it, and had blood on my white dress. I had been a virgin. My best friend and I were only able to start piecing together what had happened to us after the rapist went with my best friends boyfriend to buy beer and bragged about it. When my friends boyfriend cam back, he started accusing my friend of cheating. And then made some remarks that “I finally got some.” I told him that was ridiculous, he knew me, and knew I wasn't like that. Then he told me what this rapist was bragging about. Only then were we able to piece together what had actually happened to us. When I was 17, I dated a man who I probably would never had dated, but was suffering severely from the prior rape, and feeling like I couldn't protect myself. He seemed like a nice guy though...but he raped me while I was sleeping one night. We had never had sex previously. I actually didn't tell anyone for a while, felt guilt..like maybe I did something to provoke it (which is ridiculous), and even continued to date him for a bit. It finally came out one day to my close girlfriends. They immediately took things into their own hands, & he was blacklisted. He continued to stalk me at work and at home...he would even leave bra's and underwear on my car antennae. I never reported either rape because I had a very difficult home life, lived with friends most of the time, and knew our system was extremely biased against the victim. Later, the man who raped me when I was 17 would be in the city paper for getting busted in a sting for luring and preying on 13 year olds for sex. I was 30 when this happened. He would have at least been 35. I will have to live with the “what if's” for the rest of my life on that..”what if” I had reported him.. “what if” I could have stopped him..would that have prevented him from raping those girls? And now recently I have been assaulted. This has probably been the worst experience of them all..not only what he did to me, but the sheer ignorance of people and their behavior. I dated a guy who had been my friend for a while. I thought he was also a “nice guy,” and he was friends with many of my friends. I had PTSD from my prior rapes, but it only affected intimate situations, not my daily life. Due to this, I had to give him a disclaimer when things started to get serious with dating as to what happened to me, the attacks that sometimes occur that literally paralyze me, and what to do when they happen. He was horrified that those men did that to me, and usually whenever I had attacks, he would either leave me alone, or be supportive...until later... The first time he raped me, I was asleep. It was early morning, and he was sober. When I woke up, shocked, he initially tried to ignore it, and then profusely apologized and said he would never do it again. I made it very clear I would kick him in the balls and leave him if he ever did it again. He knew it was wrong. A few months later, we had been at a club, and he was drinking. I had had one or two drinks early in the night, but not much. We came home, got into bed on separate sides, and I was still fully clothed with tights on. I started having a PTSD attack for some reason, which lasted hours. At one point he managed to ask me if I was ok, and I managed to mutter “I don't know”. A while after that, I was still lying on my back, fully clothed, still having an attack, only to hear and see out of the corner of my eye, him ripping open a condom. I freaked out even more, but was paralyzed due to the PTSD attack. I managed to roll onto my side and try to get away, only to have him come up behind me, pull my clothes apart, and rape me. I have no idea how, but I managed to kick him. He removed himself, only to push me onto my stomach, pinning my arms underneath me, get behind/on top of me and pin my legs with his as he raped me again. I was frozen and horrified. As soon as I was able to move, I went to my room. He forced his way into my bed, and all I could do to protect myself was pull the covers tightly around my body. He profusely apologized the next day again for what he did. I told him to get out, and not come back until I said so, and get counseling. He left for one night, came back, and harassed and threatened me...all documented...for two months. I locked myself in my room for a week before hiding at a friends house for roughly 2 months. He did not get out until a judge ordered him to, and even then, he stole my stuff and broke things. I even have written confessions from him admitting to raping me, and he admitted to doing this to other women as to try to “normalize” it. He even sent me a text message saying mid sleep sex is perfectly normal. Its not. Its rape. I have severe CPTSD documented, from this. I have a restraining order that he perpetually violates, and stalks me. The police are usually little to no help, and the courts have been very slow to do much also..or just victim blame as well. Somehow, through this all and despite a mound of evidence, most of my so called friends continue to deny anything happened, because he seemed like such a “nice guy”. Nice guys do not rape their girlfriends multiple times, admit to it, and lie to everyone and say they didn't do it. And real friends can tell fact from fiction. And for the “we don't want to judge” statement I have heard waay to much....you are judging. By ignoring the issue, you are enabling a rapist to believe his behavior is fine, and he will continue to ruin other womens lives. Congratulations on being ignorant, and perpetuating a cancer in society. -Anonymous

3 comments:

  1. That's so awful what you've had to endure. I bet those two little boys in the tree house also grew up to be rapists or pedophiles or both. Thank you for being so brave to tell your story and break your silence. Anybody who doesn't believe the men who raped you are evil, disgusting, creepy, weak, power hungry and sick in the head aren't worth having in your life in any way shape or form.

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  2. Like i have said before. Women are the worst about harassing a victim. Whore must be a afraid they will miss out on one dick.

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    1. I don't understand this comment.... Are you referring to this woman as a whore? I think she has survived terrible things and certainly is not a whore. Also, are you saying whores can't be raped? Non-consensual sex is rape. I really want to understand your comment, you read her account of events, right? If you are an internet troll, get off this site.

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