Going to Trial for Reporting My Rape





I was raped and impregnated when I was 18 by someone I had considered a friend. He left, but I kept my child and raised her with help from my mother.

I blamed myself for being raped. Although I had said no repeatedly and tried to push him off, once he entered me I gave up, disassociated, and laid limp. I felt that I didn't try hard enough to stop him, and therefore I was to blame - not him. I now realize that I had done the best I could to survive that trauma.

Fast forward two years and my daughter's father agreed to enter our lives if I agreed to date him. I was still victim blaming and felt that a child should have their father in their life, so I agreed. He raped me two more times during the two months we dated.

The first time was the first night I spent with him when he returned. We were making out when he started undressing me. I told him I didn't want to have sex because I wasn't ready and wanted to take things slow. What followed was very similar to the first time he raped me. He kept advancing as I kept pushing him off and saying no. Once he entered me, I gave up, disassociated, and laid limp.

After that I said yes to all of his sexual advances because I knew that "no" wasn't an option.

The second time he raped me was a few weeks later. We went bowling with his family - I was the DD and he drank quite a bit. He spent the whole night flirting with the bowling alley's bartender, and it made me insecure. When we got home, he asked if he could have anal sex with me. I agreed in hopes that maybe it would make him like me more than the bowling alley's bartender. As soon as he started, I wanted him to stop. It hurt so much that I asked him to stop, but he kept going. I tried to push up off my stomach and he pushed me back down. That's when I knew I didn't have a choice, again. I kept trying to get up, but he held me down until he was done. 

We broke up shortly after that, but he stayed in my daughter's life. He saw her every other weekend.

Flash forward another year and a half. I received a job offer out of state and planned on moving out with my daughter. He filed for custody.

During the custody battle I told both my lawyer and the guardian ad litem about what he had done to me. They both told me it didn't matter because it was in the past. 

The county awarded him residential custody. They said that although he hadn't been present in the past, he deserved a chance to prove his parenting. They said they were being "progressive" to give a father residential custody.

In the two and a half years she lived with him, he sent her to three different daycares and then a new kindergarten. She went from being the most sociable, healthy toddler and overachieving on all her development tests to failing kindergarten, having no friends, and being very sickly. After multiple CPS reports and a school report that reported her at risk for depression, anxiety, and many other mental health issues, he finally offered to signed his rights over to my mom one month ago after a heated custody battle between my mom, myself, and him.

She's now happier than ever, finally received medical intervention for her severe asthma, and started her first day of 1st grade at a 5-star school today.

Flashback to the last custody case - March 2016 to be exact - I reported the rape that impregnated me. 

About a year ago, with help from some friends, I finally came to terms with what had happened and that it wasn't my fault. I've been seeing a therapist and healing. 

This opened many old wounds and I suffered from nightmares and PTSD attacks. I resented myself for not reporting the rape as soon as it had happened because my daughter has suffered for my lack of strength. 

That's when I came across an article that talked about the statue of limitation. I realized I still had 6 months left to report the abuse. I felt that even though I didn't have the capacity to report it then, I could report it now. That thought was healing, and so I filed the report.

I hadn't planned to press charges. I felt there was no way they could prove it because it was so long ago, but the officer I reported with encouraged me to press charges. 

About a month or so later, I received a call from my mom explaining that a detective and two officers had shown up to arrest me. They charged me falsifying a police report, a charge with a maximum of 6 months in jail.

Fast forward to now. I'm preparing for a trial where I am I the defendant in my own rape case. What's worse, my rapist will be at the trial and testifying against me. 

This has destroyed me. I've never been lower. I started inflicting self harm, am lethargic all the time, and feel completely powerless. 

I keep trying to pick myself up, and Amy Cuddy's Presence book is helping a little - more than anything else, at least - but I can't help but feel like giving up. I've suffered through so much already, and I don't know how much more I can take. 

I hope to report back that the jury finds me not guilty of false accusations. However, I have very little faith in our legal system.

To Help Jane Doe with Court Fees and Costs please click the link below:

16 comments:

  1. What a nightmare! Unbelievable what this woman has endured. I wish there was a way to know if the funds will be used as this says they will. I recently read an FBI case where a male prisoner in a state prison placed a "help with finances" bogus account and was finally arrested for several charges and some type of mail fraud after receiving almost half a million in donations. Unfortunately, I realize all too much that this man in her story is common. His attitude that his advances, sex assault, sodomy and rape were his right because she was quiet and did not fight back or call for police immediately. He has probably raped many women. Please advise how to check the story and better ways to help.

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    1. I have spoken to her on the phone. She is a real person with a real child and a very real legal struggle. I verify before I suggest donating money. I will not disclose her identity because it is not my right.

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  3. Sadly we're raised with the notion that somehow it's the women's fault if they are raped. This is drilled into our heads from the time we're young. If it eventually happens we blame ourselves and don't seek legal help for the crime committed against us. If we finally do, we're blamed for not having come forward at the time. In some cases the process following a rape, which all women know about, is more horrifying than the actual rape. That was the case with me. I wished I'd never reported anything as I laid on the hospital bed, my legs in stirrups spread wide while a male police detective took photographs. There was a female officer in attendance who was standing in the corner talking to one of the nurses.. completely ignoring anything that went on.. she was supposed to be looking after my interests.. my protector. She couldn't be bothered. I wanted to die, for the second time that horrible night. My case went to court which was even worse. The man who had raped me was from a well respected family in my community and a much loved local college athlete. I realized early on he wasn't being prosecuted, I was. I was because I'd dared to come forward. I was because I'd dared to attempt to ruin his life. I was treated like the criminal, not him!
    Slowly, much to slowly, the attitude about rape is changing in this country.. but it's not enough. It needs to begin with the legal system.. the police and courts. Until we have forced a change in attitude in those 2 institutions women will continue to be victims after the fact. Women will still hesitate to report when they've been raped.. in some cases for years. It takes a huge amount of courage to report having been raped. At a time when you've been weakened, are struggling with battling feeling responsible for having been raped, are emotionally utterly devastated and traumatized, at a time when nothing feels safe and your looking at having to involve your family who you know will be traumatized by the event also.. or feel like they'll think you are responsible or could have done more to prevent it.. is when you're supposed to be your strongest and forge forward. It doesn't work that way and that's the fault of our legal system and the image society has forged for us.. for women who are victims of rape. It's time those we have to trust and turn to after we've been so horribly violated, not just physically but emotionally also, do some long soul searching before they chastise us.
    Men have gotten the boys will be boys free ride ticket for far to long. They've enjoyed the protection of society and our justice system more than the women who they commit the most horrific crime again. It's a seriously warped attitude.
    You have my sympathy for your plight. I was called a liar, an attention whore, every awful name in the book for having had the nerve to seek justice for the crime committed against me.
    As a side note: The guy who raped me got off scott free. It didn't even go to trial. Typical small rural community justice. His family had clout and it was turned into a he said, she said circus. Even though there was a witness who had heard me telling him no, demanding he stop and crying. It was decided there wasn't enough evidence for it to go to trial which would have been held at the county courthouse rather than our small local court. 6 years later he was convicted of raping 2 other women and finally.. finally.. justice was served. He's now in prison.

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    1. I am so sorry for the injustice done to you. I have no words only solidarity and a will to fight the culture of acceptance that made this all top common.

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  4. If you really want to expose him & his family & the corrupt court or police dept, you should publish his name & all the authorities involved. Freedom of speech laws protect you, or should at least.

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    1. Since the case is currently in trial she is not at liberty to disclose any information as it would tamper with a jury pool. I am posting survivor stories as they come to me. This story is not mine.

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  5. These survivor stories should be part of the sex ed classes we get in middle or high school. They teach us how we can get pregnant or catch an STD so that we will know to avoid sex or insist on a condom being used, and to avoid solitary situations where we could end up getting raped, but that offers no real protection against being raped and only fuels the guilt if the worst does happen to us, if we got pregnant its our fault for getting ourselves in a "situation" or being unable to get him to use a condom, etc.

    They don't teach us that despite your best attempts to protect yourself, shit may happen anyways and its not your fault that you ran afoul of a rapist. They don't teach you that it is essential not only to protect your rights but also to save other women for you to report your rape or assault immediately, and to expect to be basically emotionally violated again when you do. They don't teach you that your rape kit might get lost or destroyed by the police dept that has a backlog of thousands of such kits, so it might be good to pay out of your own pocket to have a second rape kit made up and preserved by a reputable third party in case the police botch the custody of the official first kit. They don't teach you how to protect yourself in dealings with the police or judicial system, and how guilty parties how have lots of $ for defense will often countersue in hopes that the additional costs of defending yourself will emotionally and financially bankrupt you so that your attacker can walk free. They don't teach you that if a man is capable of raping or assaulting you he is likely capable of doing that to any of the children around you, so fighting back is even more critical. They don't teach that many of the women in your life have also been through a sexual violation of some sort in their lifetimes, either as adults or as children.

    I now think sex ed classes should start with an anonymous survey of the students sexual experiences to date before the class, to establish the school demographics in aggregate, so that both students and adults can understand what percent of the school is sexually active, what percent have already been subjected to unwanted sexual advances and even greater horrors, etc. Because until we know the magnitude of the problems our society faces and we may face personally, we can not address them. The well meaning conspiracy of silence must be ended if the next generations are going to be spared the sufferings of the previous ones.

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    1. These are excellent ideas! I think the anonymous survey to establish aggregate demographics is especially inspired. Is there any place where this is currently happening?

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    2. I also agree. We are currently in contact with an organization that hopes to go onto elementary schools and teach consent. But I also believe the sex ed in middle schools requires a huge amount of overhauling these are wonderful ideas

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  7. You say:

    //I hadn't planned to press charges. I felt there was no way they could prove it because it was so long ago, but the officer I reported with encouraged me to press charges.

    About a month or so later, I received a call from my mom explaining that a detective and two officers had shown up to arrest me. They charged me falsifying a police report//

    There's an enormous gap of time and logic between these two paragraphs. It isn't tracking for me.

    On what basis is a District Attorney charging you with falsifying a police report? What "evidence" do they believe they have?

    If a complaining witness is deemed not credible, it always -- 100% of the time -- means that the accused goes free. But "not credible" is a long, long way from being able to prove a charge of falsifying a police report.

    What about the officer with whom you filed the assault report? They wouldn't have encouraged you to press charges unless they felt you were being truthful.

    Can you please fill in the missing details? I do believe you were raped. I just can't figure out how you can possibly be indicted for reporting it. And in fact, this is a point that everyone should be very concerned about. Thank you.

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    1. Her rapist is affluent and has connections. When a department is faces with a lawsuit and angry affluent people they tend to move mountains to avoid said suit.

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    2. http://www.evawintl.org/library/DocumentLibraryHandler.ashx?id=581

      Here is a document it's a PDF regarding how the process works and highlights research done as well on the topic. Hope this helps

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  8. She says after the second rape, she "said yes to all of his sexual advances because I knew that "no" wasn't an option". Is she aware that those technically are also rapes? Don't blame yourself for those either. As girls we are taught to be "nice", to be "loving" basically to be agreeable. I did the same thing when I was in a relationship. I said I wasn't in the mood, he raped me anyhow, and I stayed and just didn't say no anymore. Until the day 2 years later when he kicked me in the face and I ended it (well, started planning the end then, actually implemented the plan 4 months later). You did what you had to do, and it takes a long time to break out of that conditioning that is programmed into us from childhood. Please stop blaming yourself, not for getting pregnant that way, not for the relationship rapes, not for not saying no because he wouldn't let you. In all of this the person in the wrong is him. And please see a rape counselor.

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  9. As a man, I find this simply disgusting, that a man would abuse his, naturally greater, strength to abuse a woman, rather than to protect her... As a minister, I see this as just more evidence of our lack of any type of a "moral compass" here in America... And the worst part of this truth is that we are generally miles ahead of the rest of the world when it comes to prosecuting rapes, and protecting women's rights as a whole... As I read through these stories, I find myself gritting my teeth and wondering what I'd do if anyone threatened the rights of any of my three daughters in this way, this is just heartbreaking...

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